scratching the surface?

am i just scratching the surface of life?
Well now that its all said and done, and my life situation changes without my permission.
I feel again left with the choices: give up? move on? stand strong? hold on? new life?
These choices all leave me desperate for direction.

My dad once told me that if i keep investing in only the short term things in life i will only be scratching the surface.

I guess that drove me to long for more in life. Long for a stability that my 'short term mission mentality' never gave me. But also the blessing of seeing the fruits of sharing life with others, of breaking down the walls that we hide behind when its 'short term anyway'.

Staying put isn't easy for me. Sometimes i feel like a caged bird thats usually about the time i start to plan my next trip or my next move across the world. This feeling usually results in laying awake till four in the morning imagining all the possibilities.
I do realized that i really do want to move to the Canadian mountains some day, its the thought that has been in the back of my head all these years. And part of me is at peace with the knowledge that its not an impossible dream. It just needs to come in the right time. Just like the bible says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven".

God is so good, His faithfulness is increadible.
Some how its hard to trust again. Hard to be motivated.
I find myself as:
Not a student, not working/looking for a job, living in a high rent room, at a dead end...
Feel like a failure, like i havn't come very far from where i was last year.
Even though i know that now i have a legal apartment with two great friends, paperwork finished that figured out all the dutch policies and taxes, i have furnature, cloths and dishes. I even have a laptop. Comparativly it is along way from the suit case i came with. The foundations have been laid. The question is weather i dare build on them. Weather i dare continue to invest in this place.

I started writing this without knowing the answer.
But now its become clear.
I want to be 100% where i am right now until the Lord calls me on.
May the Lord be glorified in North Amsterdam through my life.

HOPE

What is trust and why is it such a hard thing.
After all my travels and trusting God with food shelter and money.
Why do i have to learn the same thing, again and again.
Like its not good enough just to do once or twice but God asks us to trust Him in everything. Trust Him with our lives.

I am now living in Amsterdam (summer 2010) and I am doing a dutch language test in two days. If i pass i can go to school in Holland. If not, I once again have no idea what to do in life, other than seek the Lord with all that I am.

I am learning how to trust Him again. It was always with the future, but now it feels more personal, so close to home.
I've wanted to study for awhile now and its all dependent on one test.
Yet I still find my self praying.
Not my will but Yours be done.

I wish i could get pushy and demanding with God.
But when ever i get in His face i get overwhelmed by His love and all my reason for wanting anything other than His plan fades.
Crazy how He is such a good father, lover and friend, not to mention all powerful increadible tingeling fearful God.

Yet some how He cares, about where I go in life. How I treat those around me. I can sometimes also feel his love for others like the man sleeping under the bridge that i bike by on my way to work.

I guess it all comes down to Hope. When i look at my future, its so easy to want to grasp something anything to hope on. Because hope keeps us afloat. Yet i feel like God is asking me to let go of my hope of an education and a man to love.
Then I remember what they used to always say in church.
Our hope is in the name of our Lord.
Gods not against my dreams but Hes been challanging to put my hope in Him.
My hope is in the Lord.

HELLO Cambodia!! welcome back?!!!

What a trip...

on Thursday the 21st I was in Three countries in the same time zone, on the same day.... woke up at 4:30 in the Philippines headed out to the airport.
Flew to Hong Kong where i took a bus to the city and eventually met my mom. We had a good time together saw the city and relaxed. Later i flew to Bangkok wow i was so tierd really had the energy sucked out of me.
Having only had 3 hours of sleep for such a long day of travel wasn't the best idea.

I met Kitty at the lougage area (our plan A) it was so good to see her familiar face again!!! we figured out after talking to the info lady that we would just take a cheep city bus into town and a taxi from there to a bus terminal that we caught a bus to the boarder of Thialand and Cambodia. It was about 1:30 am when we got to the terminal and out bus left at 3:30 am. After a four hour ride to the boarder we were way exhausted.

Crossing the boarder was not fun, i had a bad experiance with crossing last time with my ywam team so i felt like i couldn't trust anyone. So we just started walking in Poi Pet (the boarder town). I got kindof worked up so we just took a moment to pray... a few minutes later a nice taxi driver offered us a ride for a reasonable price. Two hours Later we were in Siem Reap wow!
My friend Sokly hooked us up with a guest house right away and after we rested she fed us and showed us around the base...

We've been taking advantage of the delisous fruit here. Also learning about Ywam as we are meeting and hanging out with many Ywamers from all over the world.

tomorrow (monday the 25th) is our last day in Cambodia and then we'll spend some time in Thialand.

we keep moving
its been super good so far + super thankful for Kitty my travel buddy.

Saying good bye to the Philippines ... already :(

Wow its already time to say good bye?!
I guess that is to be expected when i only stayed here for a week and a half.
It has been a very good time, refreshing and adventurous.
So the first five days in Manila were chill... seeing old friends and recuperating. I slept alot, visited YWAM antipolo base where i did my DTS. Joined Ate kit with her weekly childrens ministry. Went to Shekinah Christian Church in Nagtahan.

Sunday afternoon Ate Carol (who is on a ministry break 'furlo' resting here in Nagtahan) and I started out adventure. We were planning at first to go to Baracy (white sands beach) but the transportation wasn't running on the correct times and it just didn't work. So we planned out a trip up north. We took a bus trip to a friends place (Ate Dhel) arriving at 1am (bus driver really took his time).
We had a mini sleep and left @ 8 again. We took a Jeepney into the mountains Lagaue, bus to Ban toc 4 hours through mountains, high in the clouds, through remote villages, and unpaved roads along the mountain side.
In Ban toc we rode on the roof of a Jeepney up the mountain again to Sagada! this incredible village high in the mountains.
So funny during this trip we spend alot of time traveling on the road but I had such a good time it was so great.
Back in Manila now after a great adventure resting for a day before i head out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I fly out to Hong Kong to meet my mom for a half day 'mother daughter' time. Then I fly out in the evening to Bangkok... where i will meet my friend Kitty and we will travel together to Cambodia and around Thailand.

God shows his faithfulness a new all the time.
oh mini story along those lines that i need to tell you.
I had bought a ticket from Hong Kong to Bangkok but never received my e-ticket version or confirmation just knew that i paid in full.
I e-mailed the company so much but they never send it to me.
Finally it was 5 days till i flew out i posted it as a prayer request on my face book.
I received a response from a friend of mine Nynke who is a travel agent in Amsterdam. It turns out she works for the same company that I ordered my ticket from. She had read my statues randomly and found my ticket in her files and made sure i got it.
Wow i really wouldn't have gotten it if she wasn't there.

Gods faithfulness is overwhelming.

ASIA, I'm back!

wow... one evening at the end of November I was hanging out with God praying and diving in the word when I started to dream. I planed out what I would do/where i would go/who i would meet, if i went to Asia. Then I started to pray for it and felt at peace so i went to check out tickets and see if it was reasonable financially.
After a day of fasting and prayer... God spoke to me that if i decided to go He would go with me. Also spoke to me about what He would teach me and show me on my trip.
It worked out with my job amazingly to take off for a month.
I bought the tickets without really telling anyone abroad.
The plans all came together.
( one night in Hong Kong, one week in the Philippines, three days in Cambodia, week in Thialand, one week in China)
Last week, the week before i left was very exhausting and i guess you could say it was a very productive week. I left Monday January 11th at 6:18am from my apartment in Amsterdam. Was so blessed by my friends Steven and Deborah who saw me off @ the airport. I started my long journey a'dam - frankfurt , frankfurt - Beijing , Beijing - Hong Kong... in Hong Kong i followed some crazy directions about busses and trains and found my self in a area called Tai Wai i bought a SIM card to call my parents but it didn't work. i almost gave up, as its so tempting to do when your exhausted and don't know what to do. Then i saw a mobile phone shop i went and asked them about my SIM and how i could call the number. They read the chineese character hand book i got with the SIM and hooked me up. I talked to my parents who in turn connected me with their friend who had a guest room ready for me and who took me out for some street food it was great i really enjoyed Hong Kong and wished i could spend more time there.. (i'll spend a day on the 21st with my mom in Hong Kong!!).
The next morning at 4:30 i got up, got ready, had a great breakfast and headed to the airport. Eventually flew to Manila where after some communication clarifications my friend Ate Kit and Ian (guy from the Nagtahan church) picked me up...!
I am realizing things about myself being here... about who i was and how i've changed. its really intresting... its good talking to Ate Kit and Ate Carol (who is also staying in Nagtahan). Today i'm making borritos for dinner and seeing a bunch of old friends!
God is so awesome!!!

the end of 2009!