scratching the surface?

am i just scratching the surface of life?
Well now that its all said and done, and my life situation changes without my permission.
I feel again left with the choices: give up? move on? stand strong? hold on? new life?
These choices all leave me desperate for direction.

My dad once told me that if i keep investing in only the short term things in life i will only be scratching the surface.

I guess that drove me to long for more in life. Long for a stability that my 'short term mission mentality' never gave me. But also the blessing of seeing the fruits of sharing life with others, of breaking down the walls that we hide behind when its 'short term anyway'.

Staying put isn't easy for me. Sometimes i feel like a caged bird thats usually about the time i start to plan my next trip or my next move across the world. This feeling usually results in laying awake till four in the morning imagining all the possibilities.
I do realized that i really do want to move to the Canadian mountains some day, its the thought that has been in the back of my head all these years. And part of me is at peace with the knowledge that its not an impossible dream. It just needs to come in the right time. Just like the bible says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven".

God is so good, His faithfulness is increadible.
Some how its hard to trust again. Hard to be motivated.
I find myself as:
Not a student, not working/looking for a job, living in a high rent room, at a dead end...
Feel like a failure, like i havn't come very far from where i was last year.
Even though i know that now i have a legal apartment with two great friends, paperwork finished that figured out all the dutch policies and taxes, i have furnature, cloths and dishes. I even have a laptop. Comparativly it is along way from the suit case i came with. The foundations have been laid. The question is weather i dare build on them. Weather i dare continue to invest in this place.

I started writing this without knowing the answer.
But now its become clear.
I want to be 100% where i am right now until the Lord calls me on.
May the Lord be glorified in North Amsterdam through my life.

HOPE

What is trust and why is it such a hard thing.
After all my travels and trusting God with food shelter and money.
Why do i have to learn the same thing, again and again.
Like its not good enough just to do once or twice but God asks us to trust Him in everything. Trust Him with our lives.

I am now living in Amsterdam (summer 2010) and I am doing a dutch language test in two days. If i pass i can go to school in Holland. If not, I once again have no idea what to do in life, other than seek the Lord with all that I am.

I am learning how to trust Him again. It was always with the future, but now it feels more personal, so close to home.
I've wanted to study for awhile now and its all dependent on one test.
Yet I still find my self praying.
Not my will but Yours be done.

I wish i could get pushy and demanding with God.
But when ever i get in His face i get overwhelmed by His love and all my reason for wanting anything other than His plan fades.
Crazy how He is such a good father, lover and friend, not to mention all powerful increadible tingeling fearful God.

Yet some how He cares, about where I go in life. How I treat those around me. I can sometimes also feel his love for others like the man sleeping under the bridge that i bike by on my way to work.

I guess it all comes down to Hope. When i look at my future, its so easy to want to grasp something anything to hope on. Because hope keeps us afloat. Yet i feel like God is asking me to let go of my hope of an education and a man to love.
Then I remember what they used to always say in church.
Our hope is in the name of our Lord.
Gods not against my dreams but Hes been challanging to put my hope in Him.
My hope is in the Lord.

HELLO Cambodia!! welcome back?!!!

What a trip...

on Thursday the 21st I was in Three countries in the same time zone, on the same day.... woke up at 4:30 in the Philippines headed out to the airport.
Flew to Hong Kong where i took a bus to the city and eventually met my mom. We had a good time together saw the city and relaxed. Later i flew to Bangkok wow i was so tierd really had the energy sucked out of me.
Having only had 3 hours of sleep for such a long day of travel wasn't the best idea.

I met Kitty at the lougage area (our plan A) it was so good to see her familiar face again!!! we figured out after talking to the info lady that we would just take a cheep city bus into town and a taxi from there to a bus terminal that we caught a bus to the boarder of Thialand and Cambodia. It was about 1:30 am when we got to the terminal and out bus left at 3:30 am. After a four hour ride to the boarder we were way exhausted.

Crossing the boarder was not fun, i had a bad experiance with crossing last time with my ywam team so i felt like i couldn't trust anyone. So we just started walking in Poi Pet (the boarder town). I got kindof worked up so we just took a moment to pray... a few minutes later a nice taxi driver offered us a ride for a reasonable price. Two hours Later we were in Siem Reap wow!
My friend Sokly hooked us up with a guest house right away and after we rested she fed us and showed us around the base...

We've been taking advantage of the delisous fruit here. Also learning about Ywam as we are meeting and hanging out with many Ywamers from all over the world.

tomorrow (monday the 25th) is our last day in Cambodia and then we'll spend some time in Thialand.

we keep moving
its been super good so far + super thankful for Kitty my travel buddy.

Saying good bye to the Philippines ... already :(

Wow its already time to say good bye?!
I guess that is to be expected when i only stayed here for a week and a half.
It has been a very good time, refreshing and adventurous.
So the first five days in Manila were chill... seeing old friends and recuperating. I slept alot, visited YWAM antipolo base where i did my DTS. Joined Ate kit with her weekly childrens ministry. Went to Shekinah Christian Church in Nagtahan.

Sunday afternoon Ate Carol (who is on a ministry break 'furlo' resting here in Nagtahan) and I started out adventure. We were planning at first to go to Baracy (white sands beach) but the transportation wasn't running on the correct times and it just didn't work. So we planned out a trip up north. We took a bus trip to a friends place (Ate Dhel) arriving at 1am (bus driver really took his time).
We had a mini sleep and left @ 8 again. We took a Jeepney into the mountains Lagaue, bus to Ban toc 4 hours through mountains, high in the clouds, through remote villages, and unpaved roads along the mountain side.
In Ban toc we rode on the roof of a Jeepney up the mountain again to Sagada! this incredible village high in the mountains.
So funny during this trip we spend alot of time traveling on the road but I had such a good time it was so great.
Back in Manila now after a great adventure resting for a day before i head out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I fly out to Hong Kong to meet my mom for a half day 'mother daughter' time. Then I fly out in the evening to Bangkok... where i will meet my friend Kitty and we will travel together to Cambodia and around Thailand.

God shows his faithfulness a new all the time.
oh mini story along those lines that i need to tell you.
I had bought a ticket from Hong Kong to Bangkok but never received my e-ticket version or confirmation just knew that i paid in full.
I e-mailed the company so much but they never send it to me.
Finally it was 5 days till i flew out i posted it as a prayer request on my face book.
I received a response from a friend of mine Nynke who is a travel agent in Amsterdam. It turns out she works for the same company that I ordered my ticket from. She had read my statues randomly and found my ticket in her files and made sure i got it.
Wow i really wouldn't have gotten it if she wasn't there.

Gods faithfulness is overwhelming.

ASIA, I'm back!

wow... one evening at the end of November I was hanging out with God praying and diving in the word when I started to dream. I planed out what I would do/where i would go/who i would meet, if i went to Asia. Then I started to pray for it and felt at peace so i went to check out tickets and see if it was reasonable financially.
After a day of fasting and prayer... God spoke to me that if i decided to go He would go with me. Also spoke to me about what He would teach me and show me on my trip.
It worked out with my job amazingly to take off for a month.
I bought the tickets without really telling anyone abroad.
The plans all came together.
( one night in Hong Kong, one week in the Philippines, three days in Cambodia, week in Thialand, one week in China)
Last week, the week before i left was very exhausting and i guess you could say it was a very productive week. I left Monday January 11th at 6:18am from my apartment in Amsterdam. Was so blessed by my friends Steven and Deborah who saw me off @ the airport. I started my long journey a'dam - frankfurt , frankfurt - Beijing , Beijing - Hong Kong... in Hong Kong i followed some crazy directions about busses and trains and found my self in a area called Tai Wai i bought a SIM card to call my parents but it didn't work. i almost gave up, as its so tempting to do when your exhausted and don't know what to do. Then i saw a mobile phone shop i went and asked them about my SIM and how i could call the number. They read the chineese character hand book i got with the SIM and hooked me up. I talked to my parents who in turn connected me with their friend who had a guest room ready for me and who took me out for some street food it was great i really enjoyed Hong Kong and wished i could spend more time there.. (i'll spend a day on the 21st with my mom in Hong Kong!!).
The next morning at 4:30 i got up, got ready, had a great breakfast and headed to the airport. Eventually flew to Manila where after some communication clarifications my friend Ate Kit and Ian (guy from the Nagtahan church) picked me up...!
I am realizing things about myself being here... about who i was and how i've changed. its really intresting... its good talking to Ate Kit and Ate Carol (who is also staying in Nagtahan). Today i'm making borritos for dinner and seeing a bunch of old friends!
God is so awesome!!!

the end of 2009!

Time To Turn conferance

Time To Turn Bezielings Festival
It was awesome. So it was basicly a social justice conferance that happens every year. we had speakers and workshops on oils effect on countries and our consumtion rate. The third way Jesus calls us to deal with violence. Living in community for the good of the community (neighborhood/seeking the peace of the city). Letergical dance and theater for God's kingdom. All the food we ate was biological(organic) or rescued from a dumpster. We had some great times of coming together and praising God and prayer it was awesome. I loved when we had comunion it was so powerful being together as one body.


On sunday our heart for the end of poverty, war, injustice and voilence and our frustraightion to our enslavement to oil brought us to a point of sharing it with the city so that we would not me alone in the quest for a better world and celebrating the good news that Another World Is Possible. We held a funeral service for Oil right by Dam square on 'koop zondag' (shopping sunday) the streets were busy as we walked with our coffins of oil barrels. We were very sad realizing the amount that we use and abuse oil. But while we baried it we realized that poverty, war, injustice and voilence would be barried with it (to some extent). That gave us cause to celebrate. We threw a party with saying we wanted to start walking out that hope of another world we gave out cake and coffee to by standers and asked them to celebrate with us. The shaking shikes oil drum bad (made up of time to turners) played some awsome beats with the awesome phrase 'oil junk kan het en vatje minder'. 'oil junks make it a gallen less' (like we are oil junkies and we need to use and abuse less)
I had some intense and less intense interactions with the crowd. Some people went right into the gospel with me and others stayed on the shallow level of climate change. It was good to step out for truth proclaiming the hope we hold through Jesus.

!

Wow God is good!
Last week on the 1st and 2nd of the month I was stressed out about how to move all my stuff and i needed a mattress etc...
God totally provided! Got a 120 E mattress for 17.50 at a kringloop, My uncle works in Wageningen right by Ede and picked me and all my stuff up and brought me to Amsterdam the same day that I SMSed him at 8 am. Wow it all worked out and I felt God speaking about the aboundance of His love for me as His daughter.
Its so wierd because i've been feeling kind of shallow in my walk with God not setting any real time apart for him but in those moments God is by my side loving me when i don't deserve it. I guess you would call that grace...
just experiancing Gods grace~! its awesome!

So this is the beautiful place i have for three months its right by my favorite park in Amsterdam (westerpark) where i love to run or go out for coffee. Also just down the street from the Shelter community house. I'm so blessed...
(the pics don't show but theres also a kitchen and a bathroom and a garden yard thing in the back!)

The adventures thus far with photos and explanations!

Living at Marcos in the Oudezijs 100 community house apartment sitting in the red light district. This is where I lived my first two weeks in amsterdam with my friend Heather who was kindof in the same position as me. It was good to live with her she helped my transition time and processing life/relationships.

Amsterdam is beautiful i always wanted to go sailing, my whole life. A manager at the Shelter City took Tamar and I out on a day trip it was sweet. I loved it!




It was like a mini vacation/just enjoying life and deligting in the Lord.
Heather and I went hitchhiking one day to the beach it was great relaxing and a ton of fun!


We had a cool kind of community since we lived in the red light district (after marco's we moved down the street to house sit for another two weeks). So many of our friends from the shelter etc... would come over and find a haven of rest at our place spending next to no money of living we some how ended up eating so well and really just enjoying life, fellowship and time with God.



The first weekend in September I went to Ede to pick up some things from my lugage that i have in a garage there at my aunt and uncles place. I also went to meet my friend Asha.

We met a month earlier at a anti-sqat place in Niewegain with my friend Mattanja. Asha and i klicked right away one of those one in a hundred people who you are super comfortable and get along with real well from the get go. We planed a mini Vac we were going to hitch hike to the French beach but it was ugly weather that weekend so we hung out in Niewegain
The community house in Niewgain is very alternative and resourceful they go dumpster diving for 90% of their groceries. So as usual i taged along so i could also benifit from the finds of the night. A little late night grocery shopping.


Later we hitch hiked to Mattanjas parents house we ended up haveing an amazing relaxing weekend there really encouraging time.
Sunday after church we headed back to Amsterdam...


The next place I lived was with my friend Kitty on a house boat on the Amstel river.
Gods provision has been unreal.
During my time on the boat i went through a transitional process from christian bubble amsterdam to student/secular society. Her house mates had a BBQ it was great meeting and getting to know them but i was faced with how much diffrent my lifestyle and moral standards are.


I also a few days later got a job as a waitress at a steak house on Damrak. I didn't like it at first because one of my co-workers was making me uncomfortable. But now I love it because he respects me now and my managers are great. It actually feels a little like the shelter of course not the pop music and alcohol but the interaction with tourists. I always get questions of where i'm from and why i moved to Amsterdam etc.

After a sweet time in Ede with Asha this weekend it turned out i had monday off. So did a ton of shelter people so we went on a sweet trip to the beach on one of the last days of summer. We hitch hiked in pairs. We really had a great time.

still here!

Yes i'm still in Amsterdam!
Only by the grace and provision of God!
I ended up house sitting for diffrent people and still find my self so well provided for. I havn't gotten a job yet but I have a peace in me knowing I'm right where I need to be.
Today I'm helping out at the shelter as a afternoon cafe trainer as they have a very high staff turn over. Its cool to be a part of whats happening here still to some extent.
For the rest just sitting at the feet of my Lord, and soaking in His presence.

Crazy flight and delays!

Well on thing leads to another... there were some thunderstorms in Toronto which delayed out plane from coming in (it was stuck in a line on the runway) it delayed our boarding by 2 hrs. Then we got seated and they wanted to wait for people who had a transfer from Winnapeg. Then the fuel truck had to finish up so it delayed our take off an hour and a half.
Flight was okay some turbulation but nothing life thretening.
Got into London and had a bunch of line-ups. it was 9am by this time so I obviously missed my 8:15 flight from london to Amsterdam. Found out the only next flight to Amsterdam left at 16:00. Found internet access (friendly currancy exchange man gave me a £) I called the hostel at the air canada desk... thankfully my friend Martha picked up and contacted my sister and two friends who were waiting for me already at Schiphol (amsterdam airport). Now i'm waiting... thankfully the waiting is almost done and i got to kill the last hour on free internet place i found. yay i'll find out my gate number in 10 min.

its cool though i've been really peaceful and suprizingly patient... God is good!

Next step

moving to 'Nederland'
I am trusting the Lord who lead me there
i don't have much money, any apartment or finalized job contract.
walking by faith...
every time the trust challenges seem to get harder and harder.
its good I'm learning to trust Him with all things
Got the next 22 nights figured out hopefully that will give me enough time to find out what I'll be doing.
I NEED PRAYER
as i have been praying allot lately realizing how much I really can't even pretend to have it together this time
I'm at a loss: broke, homeless and stranded in Europe.(technically)
I know God is my only sure thing in life so I will hold on to Him!

Summer in Canada

I came to Canada for 'vacation' found out that its good to take a break and this was my chance, I really felt like it was a gift from God.
My first week I just started getting on my feet... realizing how much I love Canada, what a ghetto I used to live in, my heart for Hamilton, old friends who are always there for me. It was good.
The second week my friend Tamar from England who I met in Amsterdam came.
I spend two weeks hanging out with her, showing her Canada... we went on a canoe trip and to Niagara fall, Toronto, strawberry picking... etc. We had allot of good talks about God and just praying together.
My parents came in the last days of Tamar's stay. It was so good to see them, but when Tamar left it was a big adjustment to live with just our family. All of us had different emotional reposes it was hard. We got busy cleaning and doing random crafts and before we knew it, it was family camping.
From there a week later we disbursed. Marika went last minute to Amsterdam for August a week before me, Heit and Mem left for China, I'm leaving for Amsterdam, Eritia will be heading to spain for 2.5 months, Art is off to teachers collage in thunder bay, and Hobbe is busy hangin out with his girl friend and ministering with Campus for Christ in Hamilton.

leaving feeling is diffrent every time

Sad leaving but knowing it wouldn't last forever.
Comforted by looking to the future and living out all that I learned at the Shelter.
Holding on to the faithfulness God displayed through that time.

katy and jens wedding photographer

http://www.mywedding.com/jensandkaty/index.html

I was privileged to be a photographer for Katy and Jens's engagment photos.
I've know them as long as they've known eachother, Jens was our small group leader and mentored April and I when we took over leadership. Katy is a good friend and beautiful woman. Both have a strong desire to follow God.
I've been blessed by them.

(apparently the photography looks professional thanks to Katy's editing and Stevens camera)

closeing talk

I really apreciated that the managers took time and energy to have a closing talk with us. I went out for coffee with Francien and it was a great chance to process my time and be herd.

bridge jumping

Bridge Jumping is the best!
its one of the highlights for me
The last time i went was my last day there
we went by the Shelter Jordan and picked up a guest (girl from usa)
whom we made friends with and the cleaner supervisor who was just off shift
it was sweet we went by the shelter city and picked up a bunch of their cleaners
so we ended up with a good group
when we got there it seemed like the whole neighborhood showed up with families BBQing and kids flying off the bridge
I did the rope swing for the first time and it was awesome i realized what i had been missing out on...

Last week at the shelter! :(

wow its already the last week here at the shelter.
The pace of life is so fast that time flies...
I am dealing with alot of random emotions connected to leaving etc...
We have a good bye lunch for Jolanda (my room mate) and I this saturday.
I'm sad to leave but I know I need to rest my weary body.

Bridge jumping!

this saturday I went bridge jumping with some friends... there is a sweet bridge in the east of amsterdam its 12 meters high. Awesome drop and cold water!
It gave me an energy rush to last a week.

Latly

Cleaner team is cool two of our cleaners are doing Alpha!
There are allot of emotions and jazz that is being dealt with I've been talking and dealing with allot of stuff. So glad that the time I spend with God in the morning empowers me to lean on him in the day. And direct people to His presence.
(picture of cleaner Tamar and I)